someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
