My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
