then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
