So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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