This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
