I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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