I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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