Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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