why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
