I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
