my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
