Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
