Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
