I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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