How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
