Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
