I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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