You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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