So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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