Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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