Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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