If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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