you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
