Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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