there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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