if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
