Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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