my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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