....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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