Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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