I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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