it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
