yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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