Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
