Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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