Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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