So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
