Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Randomize
