addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
