Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
