I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
