sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
