dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
