boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
