How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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