I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
