then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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