Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
