She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
