He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
