My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
