So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
