She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
