I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
